You Say I've Changed, I Say Thank God

Back in 2023, I had a bit of a mental breakdown about my identity. I have always struggled with imposter syndrome, but on this one evening, I got a DM from a girl that asked me when I was going to throw another Halloween party, because she thought the last party I threw was a hit (it was). I went to her page and noticed she didn't even follow me. It was weird seeing this, because as much as I want to say social media doesn't equate to reality, in some way, our lives do relate and reflect to social media. People will keep up with you, but make sure they don't support you. They'll get their fix off of you, while you gain nothing in return. Well, maybe you gain some credibility and popularity. Was this what mattered to me? Maybe at the time this was true.

I obviously spiraled after that message and spent the rest of the evening removing every single follower from my Instagram. I hit 0 followers, went private, and could finally sleep. I needed to reset.

Instantly, people noticed and within a few hours I got follow requests. It caused conversations and made friends worry. After some time, I began to accept followers but continued to take a break from posting. I needed to reflect on why I was so attached to the likes, the views, and the attention.

I curated this identity that I wanted "Maeriyakii" to be. She was hot, passionate, artsy, confident, proud, flirty, outgoing, stylish, and friends with everyone. It took years to figure out how I wanted to dress myself and at some point, it truly felt like I hit the nail on Maeriyakii. 

This version is who everyone knew me as. I came back from Montana and the depression pushed me to embody this character more than ever. I started going out to every event I could find. I hung out with people that already had their own cliques. My drug use was more often, and I would push myself to get drunk. I was flirtatious to not only strangers but to all of my friends because I thought it was silly and fun. My body was in its prime at the gym, so I embraced it. I was never sober when I threw a party, which was no shocker.

It seemed like everybody loved this version of me. Even if they didn't love it, they sure kept up with it. The people that didn't like me were actively watching my socials and saying hi to me at events. In this timeframe, outside of my Maeriyakii endeavors, I fell in love with Joey. Whenever I was with him, I didn't feel like wearing this facade. He saw right through it anyways.

When we got together, he told me that "these people aren't your friends", and I didn't believe him at first. The moment I announced my relationship, I watched all of the people I considered my friends disappear from my life. I blamed myself for being too friendly and flirty. I thought it was all platonic. I really was naive. This is what started the questioning of my identity.

I started to pull back from everything, slowly at first.

Our relationship had its own course of trials, but with it I had a miracle that pushed me towards learning more about God (You can read about my testimonial in A Trip to Christ). With that push, I made the decision to join Joey in an Orthodox Christian Church, and have been a catechumen for a year now as of this writing. 

A catechumen is an individual undergoing formal preparation to enter the Orthodox Church through baptism or chrismation.

Not only did I embark on a journey to let go of this "Maeriyakii" identity, I took on a hard journey of catechism that has made me find out more flaws within myself than I've ever even realized. To put it simply, choosing to be a catechumen has been extremely humbling. It's made me accept that what I think and what I want... doesn't matter. It's not about me. This entire entry has just been "I, me, my", and in the end, none of it matters; and that it's okay.

Oh, how my pride struggles with that every waking day.

People say I'm religious now, but they say it in a negative way. Some have said it to my face, some behind my back. Some have just drifted away from me. I used to defend myself and say, "I'm not religious, I'm just learning more about the Bible" or "I'm just inquiring". I felt judged, like they were insinuating how I'm "changing".

That's exactly what I finally heard. Someone told my friend that I changed. They said it carefully, but made it clear that it wasn't a good thing. Upon hearing this, I felt my pride want to defend my change again. Why was my change such a bad thing?

There's an interesting reaction in the conversation of becoming Christian, that doesn't really happen when somebody joins other religions. I've dabbled in Buddhism and Hinduism in the past and I've never experienced this judgement from my peers. As I've become more openly Christian, people have painted a version of me based off their personal negative opinions and experiences of Christianity. I really can't control that. I can only control my own self.

When  I explain to someone the toxic behaviors I've acted upon— that I still struggle with, their first response is normally to defend me and my character. "You're a great person", "You're a great friend", "I don't think you're bad for doing that", "So what, that doesn't mean anything". They find an excuse to validate that habit, to reason why that habit is okay. It's clear that they're not just defending me and my character, but their's as well. My intention isn't to highlight your character; I am simply recognizing the habits I've done that I've decided to work on.

I am a liar. I lie for my own benefit without realizing who I'd hurt in the process. I did it as a profession, whilst manipulating men for financial gains. I loved to steal. I stopped for a few years, then I picked the habit up again. I would mirror and read people to get what I wanted. My eyes were filled with lust and I embodied it thinking it was empowering.

Within the curation of "Maeriyakii", I became blindsided to the anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, anger, obsession, lust, pride, and turmoil that came with it. I just assumed that was who I'd always be because that's me.

It's been a year since I've done any drugs. I still crave it and reminisce of it. I have calmed down on going to events and my drinking habits have gone back to light and occasional. I've made it my own personal choice to practice modesty, because my hyper sexuality stemmed from a porn addiction that I grew at the age of 11 years old (that I'm still actively suppressing). My passions aren't for validation. I am learning how to enjoy who I am without the approval of others. I am working on being more kind to not only myself but to others; even the people that I struggle to be kind to. People blame my relationship and my choice in becoming more religious as the reason why I've changed and they are absolutely right.

I don't want to be right anymore. I want to be a good person. I need to learn humility.

Although I have lost a lot of connections, I have gained beautiful connections in the process. I have seen many miracles. I've witnessed my friends find God and change in their own ways. People have reached out with questions about things that I can help answer that I wouldn't have understood a few years ago. I've learned about how to love my partner better. To change is a beautiful thing. I hope we all change for the better.

You say I've changed, I say thank God.