Growing Apart

One of the most confusing things to navigate growing up is witnessing first hand how hard it is to grasp onto the relationships you grow up with. Distance pulls our time away and our vices no longer align us the same as it once did.

I find myself setting reminders to reach out to the people I love; and day by day I believe it can be done. Then I find myself forgetting someone, and the feeling of sadness and guilt rush through me.

There's this Tiktok of a man talking about how "you could be going through something, trying to just survive, and someone you know will reach out and say you're not present enough for them". I am probably butchering the post, but it definitely hit me.

A few friends that don't live in the same state anymore periodically call me. I'm so busy, I always have to ignore the call. It makes me feel terrible, because I never call back.

I called one of them the other day and went to voicemail. I even thought I was blocked. I failed being a friend to them. They gave up on me, makes sense why they stopped calling me. 

There was a call back and the moment I heard my friend's voice I cried. I was relieved. They didn't give up on me, they were also going through things. How foolish and self centered I must be.

I spent every weekend from mid August to early October out of town, or not at home. Everything was getting hard, and I felt myself drowning in the pool of time. I said no to some invites, and yes to others. It hurt my heart, because I had to make the tough decision to not travel again. I wanted to see a friend, but because of many excuses and valid reasons, I had to tell myself no and cried in frustration. Just not enough time.

One of my stops was to visit a cousin I hadn't seen in a while for her son's birthday. My baby cousin stole my shoes and hid my stuff so I couldn't leave that evening. He looked at me and said, "Will you visit more often?" This is my first time having conversations with him. He's growing up so fast. I live four hours away. He doesn't know how hard it was for me to show up today.

On the same day, my brother said, "We need to visit you down there. You always visit"

I hear this every time, from every person in my family. I bitterly smile and say, "Yeah."

How hard it must be to visit me. I understand completely, because it was hard for me to do this as well. I have to pick and choose who I see, and others get left behind. More often than not, I am left behind. As bitter as I am, I understand and love them unconditionally. It makes me truly recognize how life can slip through your fingers and if you don't try to make even a minute of your time to reach out to the people that matter in your life, time will change faster than you anticipate. Suddenly it's been weeks, months, years since you and someone you love have heard from each other.

So many "Sorry for replying late, I was busy"

So many "Hii I miss you too!!"

And then social media makes us think that if we don't talk at all then we're no longer friends, which is a whole other thing I could babble about for another post.

What I do recognize is that if I can sacrifice myself to reach out whenever I can, my little presence can hopefully benefit their day. I know that they always brighten up mine.