Eh

I have struggled to find my identity for my entire life. Watching everyone laugh and mingle with each other as I stood aside, trying to sit comfortably in my own body.

People make it look simple. Being able to show up and start conversations. I've gotten great at it now, making an effort to make people feel special, so that I, in return, can feel comfortable. I force myself to sit back and watch, and then tell myself to go in and make myself known.

Looking for spaces I belong in. Demanding attention and validation as I searched for my own individuality.

I don't care.

I don't care about it anymore, this silly little thing we are doing. I don't need your validation. I don't need an invite. I don't want to be a part of your group. I am perfectly fine right here. I allowed myself to spiral to the point of removing everything from me.

It was freedom.

I open the doors of my circle and watch you stroll your way out, and I can finally shut the doors behind you. You'll take every chance that you can get. This networking is important to your identity.

For your growth, you need people. You need the support. You're okay with pretending, so that in return, they can pretend for you.

These people do not care about you. They care about themselves.

You don't care about them. You care about yourself.

I will continue to care about things that do matter. I will tend to the flowers around me. A partner that prays with me. My growing family. My friends who want to fight for me. My health. My creativity. My relationship with God. My inner peace.

I am more me than I have ever been. I don't hate myself the way that I used to. I don't walk around with anxiety heavy on my chest. 

Sure, I miss certain things. You could say that version of myself was cooler, more outgoing, more independent. Too bad I don't like her.

I like to say that I've changed for the better.